Small talk: we all do it. So what's so big, bad and ugly about it? Well, nothing really - but there's something you should know about it. Firstly, let's get clear on what small talk is. Small talk is reactive communication as opposed to responsive communication. What does that mean, Dan? Well, have you ever been in a situation where you're talking to someone - maybe it's in a work environment or at a social function - and you find yourself saying things like "really?" or "cool!" or "no freaking way!" and not giving an actual fuck about anything that that person you're in communication with is saying? Mmhm. That's reactive communication. And it's commonly developed and quite normal in our cultures social vernacular. But let's admit it friends, what you and I and them and all of us really want is all killer no filler. And you know what - so does the person giving you the small talking opportunity; it takes two to tango. This is because what's going on in the exchange is not of a consciously aware or deliberate nature, it's more a default reaction put into play as an unwitting distraction so we can focus ourselves into a holding pattern of our ideas or knowing so as to not dilute or "lose" them - it's like we're safeguarding our intellectual properties or perspective because we innately feel threatened in that moment --either by the others competency or by our own lack of trust in the brevity of what we know and wish to convey. Either way, in any and all cases it's a matter of what you're focused upon: them, and their opinion of you and your presentation of yourself --or... You. The correct response of course would be you. What I mean by that is, we're not really as focused on what's really important when we engage in conversation to begin with. The most important thing is us, not the reception or not of the one we are presenting to. It's always the presentation itself. In other words, we're more so, most of the time, looking to one another for the validation of their reception and understanding of what we are conveying in order to accomplish a satisfaction on our part in knowing that we got our point across, or ensuring that they "get" our perspective or viewpoint. And, well.. honey.... they never do nor can they. No one can dawn the perspective of another and that fundamental conceptual understanding is often the pivotal missing piece in communication and therefore the source of all discomfort in the engagement of "small talk". Our emotional guidance is telling us that clearly in the form of that unnatural or uneasy or frustrating or boring feeling that pans thru our being in those situations. It's like our inner being or higher mind saying "cool story bro" yet we forgo that brilliant forthrightness for the sake of etiquette and politeness. So why do we do that then, Dan? It's a simple answer but it's not an easy one to apply because for the majority of us this is the first time we're getting a clear, black and white, detailed description of the social practice. That and the fact that we are where we are and the point is that most of us are fringing upon the point of small talk more often than not. In other words, it's all just a matter of how well you know yourself and how well you know how to focus yourself into that knowing of self in co-creative social situations, and that relation-ship, or relation-shit, is what is being presented every single time a conversation or presentation is being had. Really good speakers and "social roasters" or sharpshooters will tell you that straight up: they know their shit. And moreover they are able to balance that knowing of their shit under the circumstances and conditions around them, even in conditions and settings that are contrary to what they would consider to be desirable or comfortable, aka social events and speeches and other situations where the selling or conveying of an idea are required or asked of them. And that's a practice, as any of the great ones will tell you. So can we avoid small talk? Certainly. Can we control others from doing it? Certainly not. Is it required that we control others from doing it? Not at all. Can we still remain sharp and focused with clarity and perfect timing in the face of others or groups who are defaulted to small talking as a safeguard-guise for sloppy focus? Yes indeed. How do we do that? By focusing our attention on our idea and how well we know it and how passionate we are about it and how excited we are when speaking about it and how fun it is to share ideas and co-create with others who share a similar passion or at least a desire to know what it is that you know, How long does it take to perfect such an art form? As long as it takes for you to stop trying to explain yourself for outside validation or accolade and just share what you know for the love of sharing what you know, for the thrill of the ride, for the joy of the journey, for the feeling of that non-resisted focus on what interests you. That's all folks! And it's ongoing of course. And you have everyday for the rest of your life to practice it. And as you hold an expectation that you will indeed get better and better at it you will realize yourself as not the tolerater of small talk, from yourself or others, but as the guider of the conversations that you have, as the dominant influencer of meat of the conversations that you have, as the holder of the helm of the clarity and the fun of and in the conversations that you have, be they on a stage in front of hundreds or on the internet in front of millions, or just in front of the employer you are working for, or with the partner that you adore, or the friends that you meet. It's all you. And you are certainly bigger than the small talk you tolerate in compensation for the unpolished ability you have to be yourself for the sake of acceptance and validation and accolade from those others who will never understand you fully anyway. So have fun with it and don't get stung by those who aren't practicing it, instead smile --afford another the opportunity to be more comfortable in their skin by displaying yours in yours. It is indeed contagious and is really what communication really is: Emotional. And it's always best for all when you're not so mental.. when you're just in the feel good flow of what you know, standing there as the headwaters for the clarity that all are reaching for, being the beacon by which others may too find their way into their own. Love you, byeee!! =)
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
If you want me to write about something that matters to you personally, just email me and ask.
|